Reminiscing

After the as real as it gets post I started reminiscing about my past relationships and what happened in them in regard to my behavior. I didn't get very far because I started and stopped with R. (the mythological ex, not the recent one).
Eons past since and I still remember a lot of things from that relationship. The relevant item from that relationship to the present is the fact that R. was attracted t0 me when I acted grownup: I was serious and kept a level headed approach to things. I was able to answer and give solutions to life's little troubles. The kind of trouble that hit you on an idle Tuesday afternoon. It was very rare behavior for me back then, and not because I wasn't capable but because I, simply, didn't want to behave like one. I was still in my early 20s and I wanted to have fun, the more the better and goofing around was about the only thing that I really wanted to do. After we broke up and stayed friends, there was a period in which I acted responsible and grownup. This behavior lasted until one evening when I was at her house she asked me: "Are you trying to make me fall in love with you?". Since I'm an honest guy I told her that I wasn't ;-) I never understood why, but I stopped behaving like a responsible grownup after she asked the question ... burying any chance of getting back together.

A light in the dark

DBW comments to my recent posts made me look at things from slightly different angle. As always her comments are insightful and reach, and make me look, well beyond their stated intentions. Whether they have such intentions, or I make them up :-)
I found a difference between the child in me and the grownup in me that I never saw before. They both start from the same starting point: the control freak; the need to control in order to not lose the internal balance. Somewhere along the life of a person, one develops an internal balance that guides him all his life. For some reason, that is irrelevant for this post, mine is very small and easily pushed off. The child and the grownup take it in completely different directions.
The child tries to control situations and others by acting out and trying to manipulate others and situations. Most of the times the acts are misplaced and absurd and if they don't make things worse, they definitely don't help.
The grownup in me on the other hand does only 1 thing: tries only to control himself and lets everything else just be and happen with a tranquility and ease as if there is no other way. In reality there is no other way.
DBW: You're amazing. Thank you.

It's Thursday night. Time to go party :-)

200

I wanted to post this when I hit 200, but with everything else going in my life missed the occasion. By now I'm already 5 less at 195. The details ...
One of the best things that happened to me in the pilgrimage in Spain was that I lost a lot of weight and DBW's prediction that I will come back half a pilgrim almost came true: I came back 3/4 of a pilgrim :-) I really liked the change and I tried to keep it, it wasn't easy but for the most part I was able to keep my weight down. That was until I started eating American restaurant food and stopped riding bicycles. They like to put sugar and/or corn syrup in anything to add flavor. Both of them very unhealthy and to a degree addictive (watch the documentary: super size me). My eating habits also changed to mostly eating foods reach with carbohydrates, which only made things worse. So slowly and surely I was gaining weight. It got to the point that I started getting back pains from long walks with my dog :-( It was time for action. I joined the gym. But not having someone watching me closely meant that I could slack about it and not really make an effort. So I went to a wight loss center called Quick wight loss. They guarantee you'll lose weight if you follow their program. What is the difference from any other? They watch you closely for the duration of the weight loss and for a year after. So for the last 5 weeks I've been going every other day to one of their centers to keep me on track with the plan (and some tweaks to the diet here and there). And as they promised: I'm losing weight. A nice perk to the plan is that even though I'm on a diet I can eat almost everything I want. There are restrictions, but they are pretty lose. The noticeable difference is that I can't eat foods reach with carbohydrates. In the past when I ate a food that was reach with carbs I would get an energy rush and about 30 minutes later I would get very, very tired. To keep the energy levels high I had to eat more crabs reach food. For this reason my life was an endless cycle of very high energy rushes (and if I over ate I would get a heat rush), followed by periods of extreme tiredness. Obviously it also affected my mood and mood swings (which I'm prone too without the bad diet). Since I've changed my eating habits, the energy rushes and slumps are gone. My mood swings are much less frequent not to mention that the intensity is down by a 100 fold. It's to the point that people see a very noticeable change in me, that is usually attributed to me leaving the current job. It isn't.
I coined a new expression that makes people smile if not laugh when I say it: I'm a recovering carbs addict ;-)
The goal is to reach 160 if not 150. So I still have a long way to go. Thus far it's a very nice road to go down on :-)


PS - All numbers here are in Lbs. There are ~ 2.2 Lbs in 1KG.

2 sides of the same coin

After my pilgrimage in Spain. M., an old friend, noted that I was a very different person than she knew and remembered. She was both pleased and impressed with the change (and she liked my new me much more than the old one). I didn't really understand what she meant by it, because the only thing that I felt was different was that I didn't feel I was losing, and have to play catch up, in the rat race. As things are changing now in my life now and I try to make the most out of those changes, I'm noticing what M. was referring to ...
I have 2 parts in me that are very different (well I have more, but those are the most noticeable ;-)) from each other: 1. The child with the chip on his shoulder that thinks that everyone is out to get him and thus must be in control, fails, panics and retaliates. 2. The grownup that calmly looks at things, reacts. Hit or miss doesn't panic and doesn't retaliate.
I've noticed that the grownup in me enjoys life, while the child keeps fighting for his survival (or at least feels and thinks as much). A lot of times different people told me that they see potential in me. I never understood what they meant and thus I frowned (the child in me did) or thanked for the the compliment (the grownup in me did). I now know what they meant. Obviously acting as a grownup is much better than being childish. The question is: How do I get the grownup out more? The suggestion box is open and waiting ...

New directions (part 3)

I don't want to go back to Israel. I want to stay here in the US. There is an option to do it. It's not an easy one, but I usually avoid taking the easy route of things and prefer the hard, more scenic and fulfilling route: I'm starting my own business. I had my own business in Israel. It was only me and it was pretty easy to work like that. I only managed myself, thus the overhead was very low and I asked for less money because of this and people are always willing to pay less, given the option. I won't have this luxury here: As part of the deal I have to employ local people in the company. No easy task. But I will learn and make it happen.
keep your fingers crossed

New directions (part 2)

I now remember why I believed my friend when he told me that my soon to be ex employer "is the real thing" ... I have this, no small, draw back: I believe people and trust them before I trust myself ... If someone tells something about me, my instinct is to agree with him and later on reach the conclusion whether it's true or false. By the time I reach the conclusion it usually too late to bring back up the subject and talk about it. The funny outcome of this behavior is that people have all kind of misconceptions about me. I don't mind the misconceptions because it gives me some ground to play and keeps my privacy.
As I wrote above: My current employer will soon be my ex employer. I quit my job and now I'm counting the days. I'm trying to do the best job I can and close as many open issues I have on my desk as possible. But it's not easy. Not because I'm counting the days and don't want to be in the office: in many ways I will miss the office, the people and my work. But as much as I liked everything working there was next to impossible. It's the kind of environment that either you have an ego the size of the ozone hole over Antarctica or you don't and end up run around like a mouse on a Ferris wheel. I don't have the first and I don't want to do the latter. Thus the thing left to do is: leave work and find an environment where I will fit more.

New directions (part 1)

While I still have what to write about the events of last weekend, I will spare you of it for now and write about something totally different ... Much happier, hopeful. Looking into the future :-)
I came to South Florida because of work. Not that I was missing anything in Israel, but a friend of mine told me: this is the real thing. I don't remember why I bought the argument, even though I knew that the "real thing" doesn't exist and can't exist. Still I got on a plane and landed in south Florida. After a rocky start I tried to fit in. For a very long time I felt out of place. the job was simply not what I expected and wanted. It was a mix of all the things I didn't want. I've known about this for over a year now (and you know about it to a certain degree from past posts) but I stuck around. Why? Because I thought the situation would change. It must change, otherwise it's not going anywhere and no one wants that.
But eventually I reached the conclusion that things won't change. Because for things to change people need to change, and people just don't change that easily (no matter what age they are in) if at all.
So I quit. I gave them my resignation letter and I was asked to retract it and rethink it. I did, still thinking that what caused me to quit would change now that the problems were surfaces. But I still failed to take into account that people don't change. After a few more happenings of the same sort I reach the conclusion that me and them need to part. For every one's best interest. So I submitted my resignation letter once again. This time it was final. No retracting the letter now.
I was more than fare: I gave them 3 months notice (local law requires only a 2 week notice) to make sure that they will find someone suitable, in the technical desert called southern Florida, and have a long enough time in which I can show him the ropes of the position. That was a month ago and no replacement in sight. Hopefully they will find someone quickly.
That was my old job.

world: thank you

A while a go I posted an entry in which I asked the world to stop telling me that I'm a smart guy as I already knew it (how humble of me ;-)).
Than came a long silence in which the world didn't tell me anything: well I was hiding in a very deep cave busy blaming myself for almost everything possible. The world didn't really see me.
In the last few weeks that I started going out to clubs and having fun, women started commenting (in my face and to my friends) that I'm a sexy guy. More accurately that the glasses make me a sexy guy (uh?). It started with R. that told it to me a few times (typically to me: I frowned upon hearing it). But other women since have commented (without any prior conversation, or enticing by someone else) that the glasses make me look sexy. Until now I don't really know how to react to the compliment. Right now I thank the woman (if it's told in my face), blush and try to make a joke (usually a dumb one). Don't get me wrong, I know that I can be a handsome guy, but only when I take care of my self: being the right weight, dressing properly, and generally taking care of myself, unfortunately these things don't come naturally, yet. Sexy? Me??? I find it hard to believe this one. But if the world will keep telling me that, I will end up believing him and it (well somewhat).
As the title says: world: thank you.