almost
It's been a long time since I wrote here ... Too long a time (as some accented people would say). It's not that nothing happened to me or that I didn't have anything to write about. The contrary is the truth. Too much was happening to me that I had to put some things on hold. One of those things was myself. I put everything that is personal and private on hold which meant also the blog was on hold :-(
BIG MISTAKE.
The one thing I learned hiking across Spain and vowed never to forget, I forgot. All the checks and balances that I put in place to make sure that this will not happen failed. Maybe this is why a week ago I longged so much to go back to hiking, and specifically hiking Camino de Santiago. Yep, the same exact path.
What made the difference that suddenly I feel like I woke up? A few things:
1. My boss called me in and told me he was worried I was burning myself. Up to that point I didn't even consider it (I told myself it's just a temporary thing and it will pass). But since he brought it up the issue I started looking into it. I didn't like what I found and it wasn't easy to admit it.
2. I started gaining weight to the tipping point of not caring about it. It was more important for me to satisfy my cravings than to watch out for my weight. This means only one thing: The situation was spiraling out of control.
3. One of the things that my boss prides itself is that we are more like a family than a work place. There was a family event (for him). I was not invited. It was a punch right in my face. It hurt, it still does, and it will keep hurting until I tell him about it (I hope I will tell him, that is). It hurt because I put myself totally in his hands. Letting go of any self control and when I needed proof that I'm not alone here I didn't get it. I don't know if it was intentional (as someone I know would say) or not. It doesn't really matter. All the old daemons of childhood neglect came up this weekend and made me feel like I was alone in the world. The feeling only intensified by the fact that there is bad weather outside and my car is in the shop. So I'm stuck at home.
Time to regain control of my life. I am after all a control freak.
BIG MISTAKE.
The one thing I learned hiking across Spain and vowed never to forget, I forgot. All the checks and balances that I put in place to make sure that this will not happen failed. Maybe this is why a week ago I longged so much to go back to hiking, and specifically hiking Camino de Santiago. Yep, the same exact path.
What made the difference that suddenly I feel like I woke up? A few things:
1. My boss called me in and told me he was worried I was burning myself. Up to that point I didn't even consider it (I told myself it's just a temporary thing and it will pass). But since he brought it up the issue I started looking into it. I didn't like what I found and it wasn't easy to admit it.
2. I started gaining weight to the tipping point of not caring about it. It was more important for me to satisfy my cravings than to watch out for my weight. This means only one thing: The situation was spiraling out of control.
3. One of the things that my boss prides itself is that we are more like a family than a work place. There was a family event (for him). I was not invited. It was a punch right in my face. It hurt, it still does, and it will keep hurting until I tell him about it (I hope I will tell him, that is). It hurt because I put myself totally in his hands. Letting go of any self control and when I needed proof that I'm not alone here I didn't get it. I don't know if it was intentional (as someone I know would say) or not. It doesn't really matter. All the old daemons of childhood neglect came up this weekend and made me feel like I was alone in the world. The feeling only intensified by the fact that there is bad weather outside and my car is in the shop. So I'm stuck at home.
Time to regain control of my life. I am after all a control freak.
2 Comments:
Saying that a workplace is a form of a family is nothing more than a marketing scam. It is your boss's way of making you think he cares and encouraging motivation. At the end of the day, there isn't much into it, even if they are really nice people that you enjoy hanging out with. For this reason, I will repeat what I have been saying to you for years (and you were clever enough to echo): A job is just a job! At the end of the day you should go home, and leave the work troubles on your office desk, waiting for tomorrow. Even important things can be left for tomorrow, and if you think otherwise, it is probably a good time to start a prioritized "To Do" list.
BTW, I hope you haven't forgotten that I'm still waiting for your call/IM !
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that and once again, I can identify and recognise those emotions...perhaps that two of us form a group of the 'sargent peppers lonely hearts club band'...sigh.
I also agree with Deviant Brainwave and can sympethize "Sp" with you as I feel the same at times here.
You know my younger brother is very shy and is finding it diffecult to talk to girls that becon his attention. I suggested to him to go online, that it might be easier that way.
Perhaps, you should try to work just 08:00-17:00 and find other activites after that...such socilizing or yoga, or just things you enjoy. I'm sure they have sailing where you are. As for you boss, it could be that he just had a small function ... I don't know if he's Israeli or not, but in the USA they don't tend to invite the whole-world. I know that thier have been some functions here I wasn't invited to because thier were small family affiars, and I'm okay with that, as I did the same.
Cheer up.
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