the last nail
I don't know if the following is good news or bad news. It depends what on you want for yourself from me. It's a gamble that can succeed or fail and only time will tell. It's a gamble on my life. Luckly failing won't be terminal and on the other hand succeeding doesn't mean bliss either. Last night I nailed the last nail in the coffin inf the pendulum, nerve wracking, emotional rollercoaster of deciding what to do: Stay here or go back to Israel. One of the options was put in the coffin and will be laid to rest in the days to come: I've decided to try my luck here. I've decided to look for my home here. The reasons are few, not very logical (as they are rooted deep into my psyche). Though they are not complex. To poeple that don't know my inner workings they are immpossible to comprehend (I think, I will be happy to be proven wrong). I will try to write them now:
1. Here I have no past. There is no history to hold me back. This forces and motivates me to look forward, dream and do my best to make those dreams come true.
2. I'm in a junction where it is up to me to make it or break it (not only for me, but for a whole group of people). No small feat and a lot of responsibility. Someone actually trusts me! on any (other) given moment I would be cinical about it and try to down play it, but there's this emotion inside screaming (chearfully): I told you it's possible. Finally someone who sees past the crap that I put to keep people away.
3. I have to learn to trust others and accept authority and act accordingly. My 2 primary authority sucked big time and screwed me in ways that will be all my life (I know it's the story of most of human kind, but this one is mine) but I found someone who I feel that I can try this on him and it will actually succeed. If it succeeds than I don't know where the limit will be.
4. It's a gamble and I like to throw myself into the wind. It makes me feel alive and alert. And still I have enough safety nets that I know will stop me before I crash.
All of the above doesn't mean that it will be a walk in the park. Life is still life. People are still people and I'm still me. Hopefully I will be wise enough to make something out of the chance that I'm given here. If anyone wants to open a bet feel free. I'm willing to coordinate it (I won't participate because I cannot garantee imparitality ;-) ).
hasta manana
1. Here I have no past. There is no history to hold me back. This forces and motivates me to look forward, dream and do my best to make those dreams come true.
2. I'm in a junction where it is up to me to make it or break it (not only for me, but for a whole group of people). No small feat and a lot of responsibility. Someone actually trusts me! on any (other) given moment I would be cinical about it and try to down play it, but there's this emotion inside screaming (chearfully): I told you it's possible. Finally someone who sees past the crap that I put to keep people away.
3. I have to learn to trust others and accept authority and act accordingly. My 2 primary authority sucked big time and screwed me in ways that will be all my life (I know it's the story of most of human kind, but this one is mine) but I found someone who I feel that I can try this on him and it will actually succeed. If it succeeds than I don't know where the limit will be.
4. It's a gamble and I like to throw myself into the wind. It makes me feel alive and alert. And still I have enough safety nets that I know will stop me before I crash.
All of the above doesn't mean that it will be a walk in the park. Life is still life. People are still people and I'm still me. Hopefully I will be wise enough to make something out of the chance that I'm given here. If anyone wants to open a bet feel free. I'm willing to coordinate it (I won't participate because I cannot garantee imparitality ;-) ).
hasta manana
2 Comments:
I'm really happy that you made up you mind.
You have a good start with some friends already there, and I am sure you will be able to build more relationships as well. Your dog will soon enough be with you, and you will be able to have or at least, visit all the other people and things that you miss.
Good luck!
- Funny I thought you made that decision...years ago.
- It is time you moved on and accept responsiblity for your choices rather than blame it on whatever you feel "scratched" you.
[cough, cough, I know the pot calling the kettle black]
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